Crucem Portare Mei ~ My Cross To Bear

For most of my life; fifty seven years in fact, I believed that I was a free man. But I wasn’t anything of the kind. Years can be a terrible thing and for all the years of habit I was bound only to this world, and the years became as strong as life itself.

I went through life, like a ship in water and in its wake a series of failed relationships, disenfranchised children and family. I have always convinced myself to believe that I was a good father, no matter what my relationship was to the mother. But in fact I was not. I chose to turn a blind eye to one child while trying to lovingly direct another.

As hard as I tried not to follow my own fathers example in life, it would appear to many that I haven’t. Yes we do have many similarities. Between the two of us there are 10 marriages. Both of us had the experience of being married to 2 women at the same time due to our own ignorance. Both of us have grandchildren older than our youngest child. We were both actively involved with our oldest child until the age of 1, then nothing until they were 18, and then only for a day. We both raised children outside of the Church, away from Gods love and mercy.

I don’t know what was in my fathers heart when he died. I know that he wanted to see me after many years of discord, but I even failed in that attempt. I would pray that he found God again, because I believe that at one time in his life before WW2, he knew Him. After all, I don’t think he named me Timothy John, because it had a good ring to it. Perhaps he was hoping, or silently praying that I would find Him on my own. Perhaps he knew the power of conversion can be very intense.

I have tried to talk to my adult children about God. They are at an age and mindset where human conditions are what is important to them. I think they see my conversion from paganism  to Catholicism as a phase or something. Cleaning up my life with annulling marriages, RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults), the sacraments of Baptism, Confirmation, Eucharist and Matrimony, have not generated any interest for them. I’m certain that even their settings on Social Media Apps. are set accordingly.

But upon my conversion, to the Catholic Church I did stop at following my fathers examples. For know I have; My Cross To Bear ~ Crucem Potare Mei. And that is to create an environment where they can hear that knock on the door; Revelation 3:20   Behold, I stand at the gate, and knock. If any man shall hear my voice, and open to me the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me. The best way for me to create that environment is to be a good example. Go to the Mass and Confession often and pray without ceasing.